feeling down, lost, little 'thing', less important.

I'm in deep pain. Hurt. Today I was not only rejected as a web content analyst, but also as a person. What am I doing with my life?!

I'm 30 and some. I'm not married. Have no kids. No house to call my own. No career. Not part of a big successful corporation. As a matter of fact, I hate big corporations for what they are, for the system and everything that comes with it. So, where I am?

At the beginning of grad school I didn't know where I was hitting. At the end, I wasn't even wondering myself what am I going to do next with my life. I had no plans, just a diploma paper and some luck. If I had that last one. I don't know, maybe. I consider myself a lucky woman and I feel blessed sometimes. But still, I don't know how to manage my life, what to do, how to organize it. Who am I kidding to? I have no idea what I'm doing. And I'm frighten of this situation.

Let's start with what I do have. I have a shelter - maybe more than a shelter, a big house to live in, my parents' house, of course. I also have a 5 years old relationship with a fantastic amazing guy who loves me sooo much. I'm very grateful for that. I am lucky, really truly lucky. I have what to eat, and for that I have to be thankful, because not only that I have what to eat, but also I eat what I want and I can somehow manage to buy what I want to eat, which is very important because I love healthy food, with lots of fruits and veggies, which are not always cheep. So again, I am lucky. But I'm such a mess when it comes to my career. What I am doing to do about it?

I never been an work alcoholic or so, I left office at 6PM (or 5, if the case) and went straight home or downtown sometimes. I never been such a good learner either. So then I end up on doing just what needs to be done and nothing more. I've choose the faculty I've graduated because it was an easy one, or at least it seemed to be at that time. I was afraid to pick something different, such as medicine or something else because I was afraid to take responsibility for my actions. What is worse is that I'm still in the same situation: I want more money doing nothing and I don't want to be responsible. I am afraid I can not handle it. I don't know why, maybe because I was used like this, maybe because I had some bad "settings" from back when I was a child. Maybe my parents never encouraged me to do something different, to get out of the crowd, to say it out loud. But I got over this bashfulness when I was in my first university year and I've realized that people see me as I let them see me. So I changed and started to think more widely. The results came up almost instantly!

I don't want to work 8-10 hours a day for a pittance and not live my life as I want, close to my dear beloved ones. I want to be able to work from the comfort of my own home and that seems so hard to achieve right now. I feel like everything is going up-side-down when it comes to career and jobs. I have a very low paid job and I want another one to rise my earnings. But what can I do about it? I feel like I'm a poor translator, a poor writer, a poor everything-related-to-job. I feel I'm low much low below the standards and I'm frustrated because of that. I have no support from somebody who is also working on the field, I don't know anyone just so close to call my firnd and to ask question s (stupid beginners' questions!) without having a laugh on me! I'm jut wondering, what can I do about it?!

Sundays are always lazy ;-)

This morning I woke up with the mind set for coffee. That kind of coffee that you only get to drink at home, made with your own hands and served with love in the intimacy of your living room. Or maybe in the back yard. :-)

But when I actually stand up I could feel that pain in the lower stomach saying that's not a good day for coffee, instead I should try some green smoothie or a tea. So I've made this incredible green smoothie using 3 big indregients: 2 green apples, 1 green pear (green, but sweeeet!) and a few (5-6) leaves of green cabbage. What it came out was something sooo sweet and tasty that I drunk all that juicy almost instantly!

Now I have to do something with this ovarian pain, but I think I'll just bath myself into warm horse tail infusion that is recommended for this kind of pain.


But the ovarian pain is not the problem. Today I "felt down the bridge" when I saw that my application to a job that I actually wanted to such was rejected. It kind hurt my feelings as I was already thinking how would be to work for this company (a big one). I guess it was my fault at some point, when I had my first interview I prefered to type instead of talking which was not a good thing for me, and well...then - maybe the tests were not good, I don't know. And another thing - little detail I've noticed after I sent one last message to the employer was that I typed by mistake "testes" instead of "tests" which may be counting for the job. :| Anyway, this is it, I'll have to move on and start looking for other jobs on the market. The thing is that they contacted me and I thought I really have the chance to have this job.

A little few about the last 3 months

Well, I cannot remember what exactly happened with C. after I came to see again my b/f. I guess he was going back to his g/f too. And with all of this, he still wanted to see me at lest a few times a week. Strange as it seems, we keep seeing each other from time to time and the last 2 weeks were full of shorter or longer flash views ....(I'll be back)

(27.10.2009)

The fact is that he wants me even more than he wanted me before. He wants me so bad that almost it hurts. He wants me because he sees that there is no way his g/f will ever concur me in any way! But he will never have me because I'm only for one man and one man only: my b/f.  As I was listening him talking today, I've realized for sure that he doesn't feel love or passion for her at all: it is what I've always knew it was: only attachment, habitude. This it was all. As I was hearing him talking about her and their relationship, I was hit by some unusual words as "paparuda"(rainmaker), "fufa" (there's no word for it in English) and other terms that I haven't heard before referring to her. The thing is that he has problems with this girl. She's kinda crazy, if I may say so. Meaning that if she sees C. lost in thoughts she instantly believes that he is thinking of women and that is not true all the time: ok, may be true sometimes, but not all the time. At the moment it happened, he was caress her hair and they were in bed, d'oh! How she could think of such thing!? Well, d'oh! Jealousy can harm very much in this case and will harm a lot their relationship if she continues to act like that. And when you think she's the one saying he doesn't strike to see her too much when in fact she is the one making things impossible! Like for example, he was off all week-end (past week-end, 24-25 Oct.), but on Sunday he invited her to go at the mountain with some friends and she refused saying that she'll get bored there if all they are doing is drinking and / or climbing ...d'oh?!!? I said to myself! How she can possibly think that way? How? Another thing: he invited her to Barcelona on the Ramsteain concert and she refused saying AGAIN she'll get bored in there! WHAT? you really don't know what you want girl. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW WOMAN! Don't know! Where the huch is your head hitting? OH! As I understood, she only wants to go at the mountains/seaside or anywhere else JUST with him and no-one else! OK, I agree this at some point. I believe there should be some intimately closure, but not all the time, you cannot go only you and your partner because it will be too boring.....oh! Even thou I am planning to have a super holiday with my boy next week somewhere far away from the city. Don't know if this will be or not, but for sure will be an escape my boy desperately needs. Anyways, how can you say you'll get bored? OHH!!! Never mind, they will stick like this till they will get bored one of another. I'm pretty sure about this. I'll just treasure my boyfriend. That's what I'm going to do.

Till next time,  Κίρρα Peace

how my lover drives me crazy

I mean really crazy, mad!!!
why I'm saying this?
well...because he lied to me about one stupid thing and still I cannot recall because I am still under shock! I never would have thought he will do such I thing!
well, let's see what happened:
An old university colleague was in town the other day and she called so we could all meet downtown. I say 'we' cos there were nine of us going out. Firstly, everything was set to 7pm, but when we already decided not to go, my lover received a phone call from another ex-colleague saying he and his g/f are changing plans and show up at the meeting, but that everything was now set for 9pm and besides that he inform us that we have a club reservation made by another ex-colleague which had a major contribution to this situation; not only that he convinced my b/f to go, but he also told him about the fact that the club reservation will cost us all 160 ron per total, and we all have to pay a little part of it. - THE fact that really drove me crazy was that my b/f didn't mention a anything about this, about the fact that 160 ron will be paid for a bottle of whisky (which, by the way, it's not my favorite drink!!!!) that will be served as soon as we sit to our table.
Now I'm furious about this situation and with all this I really want to let it go, forget it, forgive him and forget about all this situation. It's not only about the money - which, by the way, could have been spent otherwise - but about the fact that he didn't come clean and tell the truth. Maybe next time I should stay home and read a book and don't bother with this clubbing night outs!