The change is in the air!

"WHAT DO YOU want? Most of us have forgotten how to dream outside of our sleeping world. For some reason, the little kid in us—the one who has no problem suspending reality in favor of Fantasy Island—has gone to sleep.Maybe it’s because all of our dreams have been shot down in favor of the practicalities of making a living and putting food on the table. Maybe we’re afraid to step out and take a chance to think of a world filled with unlimited possibilities. Reasons abound to justify why we don’t dream. All of my mentors and heroes are dreamers. If they can do it, why can’t I?"

And I gotta tell you: I sit back and look back into my life and see that nothing out of the ordinary had happened. And this has to change. Now. I mean NOW! 
What do you think needs to be changed in 2013? What are your dreams that you're keep thinking every day without doing nothing in return? 

Sex at Dawn

Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality by Christopher Ryan
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I set my mind to buy this book when I've heard about it. I know there's more than just sex, I've always knew that. And I've always felt that we humans are not monogamous, but something more than just two parts forming a couple, bended into marriage and united by our kids. NO. You have to read this book if you want to discover THE REAL YOU. The truth beyond the veil. The force of all things, hidden very well by the society, religion and dogmas. Held behind walls and unspoken. YOU REALLY HAVE TO READ THIS BOOK. YOU OUGHT TO. It's mandatory. It's like the air you breath and like the ground you walk on. Have no idea where all that sexual attraction is coming from or why you feel the way you feel sometimes, then grab this book and read it. And keep it close, you may actually want to review some pages. I've read the first 55 pages in 1 day! And I'm not a fast reader at all!

View all my reviews

Sex and the girl friends

As I was watching the sex and the city tonight, I've realised that every woman has a little bit of the characters: I'm a little Samantha bitchy, I'm something of Charlotte, I'm more like Carrie (except I'm not a smoker!), and just a little bit of  Miranda. And the friendship "dance" the all 4 are playing: nights out, early-mornings and crying desperate cell phones they give and receive. I realize that I'm more a men's friend  not becaouse I don't like women friends, but because I had no goody-women-friends with whom I could actually talk and not feel uncomfortable! Or being criticized! Like all women tend to do when you're our of the moral social believes, trying to be yourself and ending up with no real girl friends, because they are all afraid of who you really are or who you may become. Is that so important to women, that they leave behind a friendship!?

YES, it is. Most of them would leave in a blink. But are they right?! It's really such a big thing this social label you get to wear when you grow up and people expect you to act in some particular way? I guess I've never been a 'playing by rules girl', but I've known how to balance the truly me with the so wanted social copy of what I should be considering to others' opinion.

Letter of the week (4) - I know you from somewhere

We've spent a very nice Saturday in the park, first in the morning, then we come back in the evening. And the evening walk was even more delightful because of the soft wind blowing so nice after a hot day. If the evening walk was dedicated to move and stretch&yoga poses, the morning one was for hot pictures. Yes, I love this HOT word: HOT!!! It's already summer here, we love to walk in the park and wear soft transparent clothes. I have a lots of pictures today, about 30 or so, but only a few we really to die for. One of them is shown below and I gotta tell you I'm getting obsessed with detail photography! I love putting details in the focus and transform a simple ordinary photo into a stunning one!

I know you from somewhere is the title for the Letter of the week, but I have no inspiration nor the time to write this now. It's almost midnight and I'm pretty tired. I'll get back to this, I have so much to tell you!

Night out - thoughts in!

As I was hitting back home, my thoughts were jumping up and down my brain and I couldn't help wondering what's he doing tonight. A sip of coffee was still in my red cup. I have open the window to get some fresh air, but the noise outside is really getting my thoughts away. I hear dogs barking and people laughing. It's like Saturday night, except it's Thursday, but you can tell the temperature is high and people started to spend more time outdoors than they usually spend. And I know for sure that they were anxious for the summer to come!

Tonight I was down town with my girls, and we had some super cool time. One of girls is getting marry on June 30 this year and we are losing her from the 'not-married' club. She's so excited and so happy! I wonder what happiness is to her: a marriage? children? a brand-new house? I know for sure what is happiness to me: It means one word: FREEDOM. A word that most of women find it very hard to digest, somehow threatening, because they associate this word with being unfaithful. And I don't blame them - it's just that at some point they over react and that's not good for the relationship they have. And maybe because women have so many great expectations, they are so broken when the man that sworn to be close for the rest of their lives step outside the matrimonial bed. They don't know that we human are polygamists - we are meant to love more than one person at the time, and we are perfectly capable to love a person and to feel drawn by another!!! That is SEXUAL attraction and it's perfectly normal! But tell that to a very conservator person and she or he will laugh in your face or will get so angry that you'll wish not to have opened the subject...ever!

While I was getting closer to my house, my mind begin to think about other dear friend of mine who left me with no contact about his life whatsoever. He lives very close to my house and I get to see him from time to time, just by passing by his house. He never felt the urge to see what I am doing...or maybe he was searching for me other the internet. Maybe. But I don't think so. He totally disappeared from my life a few years ago, more like 5?! and never talked to me since then. I feel left behind, I feel very little, but I know it's not worth the pain. As I'm writing this, I figured out one thing: maybe that's why I feel so not capable of doing this or that, because he made me feel (indirectly) I cannot, after being the one that inspired me to graduate the language university!!! But the way he treated me, how he left me with no explanation, all this could have affect me in some negative way and I never thought about it! All this had a great and deep impact on my self-confidence. It's good that I meditate about this. When I make the connections between persons, things and situations, something deep inside me says "thanks for noticing it!" And YEAS, I really feel like when discovering the world! ;-) LOL!

I have so much to say, I want to write about so many things, BUT I feel tired and I have to return to my other words, the one paying my bills. :-) 

Letter of the week (3) Nornal? what do you know...?

I was telling you the other day about that guy from  who contacted me after so many years, but who didn't had the courage to write me back. Well, guess what!? He replied at some point, more confused than he was before. OF course, he was not expecting me too see that he was looking for me on the internet, even though he admitted he did a search from time to time to see what's new in my life. And how I have my very personal page and Facebook and twitter and stuff, it was easy for him to find out one thing or another.

BUT the thing now is that he doesn't know if to continue talking to me or not. He is confused. And I've sent him a second email saying he has to calm down, not worry so much and stuff like that. But the fact is that telling him not to worry made me really nervous. I was really, BUT really calm, neutral, with no "thoughts of complications", just wanted to chat and see what's new in his life, and all the sudden I've realised that he made me somehow wonder if this is OK to continue or not. And of course my logic mind was telling me "no, of course it's not OK to continue!" But then what?! I should let this thing go, just like that?! I mean, it's pretty easy to say it, but hard to do it. What if he gets into this way too much and "de-focus" on his real life?! That could be it. And he probably feels that way, he feels he could lose his head and he's OF COURSE  afraid of this. And prefers not to get complicated. BUT then, let's just say I have never see that he was looking for me, do you think it's normal for a married guy with a kid to look for me online from time to time to see what I'm doing!?

I guess not. And he knows it. BUT even so, I still want to know more about him. The curious mind made me wonder all those details that come into hand when you have a close friend, but are so hard to guess when you're miles away!

Anyway, I've decided to write another email. I cannot leave things like this, I have to end it somehow or continue it the other way around. Whatever it is, it will be complication-free, because I want clear, categoric messages. And this is what it will be. Let's see now what shall I write now. 

Silence: not found!

I don't know where to begin. I feel anxious. Not confused, as he pretends to be. I really feel like I wanna talk to him, but I cannot for so many different reasons. He cannot be near computer while not at work, and I cannot focus on my work while thinking of him! Can you believe that!? What was on his mind when searching for me?

Got to go now!

Precious Life and Precious Moments

I was just doing my routine when I hear the phone ring. I pick up the phone and answered: at the other side was my dear friend, calling me back after we had a short talk earlier today. She was at work and couldn't talk bacause she was about to go on air.
After hearing what she was saying, I stood a moment and thought about what she said: a dear friend and colleague has cancer and she is mixed up with feelings, wondering how she may help and so many other things going through her mind. I've listened her voice while my mind was giving the verdict: I am perfectly happy and I can yell out loud so every singly man can hear me! I AM HAPPY! I am healthy! I am incredibly lucky! I am loved! I am blessed to live the life I live! Yes I am! And as I was ending the conversation, I knew I am in the right moment, in the right position, in the perfect time of my life. I don't have kids, but I will be a mother one day. I am not married, but I don't want to be married so much. After all, what is that - a paper you cannot use! Why get married!? When talking about kids, that's something else, but marriage? Why do it when I don't need it? I am perfectly well as I am and I'm glad and thankful for all I have!

God bless you all!

Two days before, two days after

In the endless ocean of life we tend to do things particulary as we were taught: do what you have to do, when you have to do it. And if you're lucky enough, you'll get what you deserve. But when it comes to what is wrong and what is right, in love you never know what your tactics may stand for. You cannot say that will happen this or that, you never know what will change over night. You have no control over it. And when it comes to past experiences, the fog is ever growing bigger.

Four days ago I was on my way to see a dear friend, who happens to be one of my ex college mates, and when I cross the street, there I saw him. No, not my mate, but my first love. No surprise that he was standing there, at about 400 meters away from me, because he is my neighbour for more than 15 years. But still, it was a surprise to see him again. It seemed changed to me, a little bit thinner and taller, with the same face and eyes like always. I looked at him for a few seconds and then I forced myself to look away: I was too drawn into his "view" and I could lose myself in that direction, not to mention that he could very well see me. But I didn't want him to see me at all. Really? I wonder. After a few steps forward, my mind started to "dance" into scenarios and pop up every time I have his image in front of my eyes. After awhile, I started to wonder myself why in the world I have not took the shorter way that brings me right in front of his house (where he was trying to make place for his "white-snowed-car") and stood there for about 1 minute or so, so he could actually see me, watch me, notice me. And do nothing (I guess). Just stand there and watch him as he was doing his job. Just like that. And face him. Of course. That is the trick: face him seems the hardest thing in the world for me, it always was, and I'm afraid it always will be. I should stay stud right in from of him, no matter what. What if he was not going to say 'hi' or anything at all? So what!? People can pass by and watch other people.

Greece it's too far away

Yeah. I'm saying that because these days Greece is facing a new influx of manifestation that made Greece not such a good place to be. I totally agree with the fact thay need  more money - so we do - but doing this to your ouw contry won't lead to anything good. I'm afraid for that matter. I really wanted to join this summer into Greece beauty spot, but they give me now no possibility but to focus on some other destination.

I pick up Spain. I love Spain, I love Spanish, I love that latin language that makes my blood run very fast. I love the contry. I love it so much that I could even move there and start a new life. But there are things and people that keep me in here, in my natal contry that I only have the dream, but not the reality. My parents are not younger any more. Even if they are not old, they need my presence here. My sister ain't of too much help in this dirrection. She aways finds some way not to be present when you need her, not to come to the meetings you set up, not to do things as they should be done, as she pretends to do it, but never does.

I hate this situation and maybe the situation hates me. Who knows?! I only know I want more from life, more to live for and I'm going to do something about it. Or.....


....or maybe not. I already have what others can only dream of: a family, a happy one, a boyfriend who is not in a rush to get marry (Saint God!), a very well paid job (not so well, but it's ok) and that kind of job you really enjoy and feel pleasure doing. What else can I ask for?! Well, no, don't say "nothing". There are plenty of things that need to be done, ned to concur. But I love my life as it is right now, even if I don't love every piece of it. After all, this is life. What is life without a piece of bitter nectar? :-)

feeling down, lost, little 'thing', less important.

I'm in deep pain. Hurt. Today I was not only rejected as a web content analyst, but also as a person. What am I doing with my life?!

I'm 30 and some. I'm not married. Have no kids. No house to call my own. No career. Not part of a big successful corporation. As a matter of fact, I hate big corporations for what they are, for the system and everything that comes with it. So, where I am?

At the beginning of grad school I didn't know where I was hitting. At the end, I wasn't even wondering myself what am I going to do next with my life. I had no plans, just a diploma paper and some luck. If I had that last one. I don't know, maybe. I consider myself a lucky woman and I feel blessed sometimes. But still, I don't know how to manage my life, what to do, how to organize it. Who am I kidding to? I have no idea what I'm doing. And I'm frighten of this situation.

Let's start with what I do have. I have a shelter - maybe more than a shelter, a big house to live in, my parents' house, of course. I also have a 5 years old relationship with a fantastic amazing guy who loves me sooo much. I'm very grateful for that. I am lucky, really truly lucky. I have what to eat, and for that I have to be thankful, because not only that I have what to eat, but also I eat what I want and I can somehow manage to buy what I want to eat, which is very important because I love healthy food, with lots of fruits and veggies, which are not always cheep. So again, I am lucky. But I'm such a mess when it comes to my career. What I am doing to do about it?

I never been an work alcoholic or so, I left office at 6PM (or 5, if the case) and went straight home or downtown sometimes. I never been such a good learner either. So then I end up on doing just what needs to be done and nothing more. I've choose the faculty I've graduated because it was an easy one, or at least it seemed to be at that time. I was afraid to pick something different, such as medicine or something else because I was afraid to take responsibility for my actions. What is worse is that I'm still in the same situation: I want more money doing nothing and I don't want to be responsible. I am afraid I can not handle it. I don't know why, maybe because I was used like this, maybe because I had some bad "settings" from back when I was a child. Maybe my parents never encouraged me to do something different, to get out of the crowd, to say it out loud. But I got over this bashfulness when I was in my first university year and I've realized that people see me as I let them see me. So I changed and started to think more widely. The results came up almost instantly!

I don't want to work 8-10 hours a day for a pittance and not live my life as I want, close to my dear beloved ones. I want to be able to work from the comfort of my own home and that seems so hard to achieve right now. I feel like everything is going up-side-down when it comes to career and jobs. I have a very low paid job and I want another one to rise my earnings. But what can I do about it? I feel like I'm a poor translator, a poor writer, a poor everything-related-to-job. I feel I'm low much low below the standards and I'm frustrated because of that. I have no support from somebody who is also working on the field, I don't know anyone just so close to call my firnd and to ask question s (stupid beginners' questions!) without having a laugh on me! I'm jut wondering, what can I do about it?!

A totally odd meeting

Today I had the most strainge meeting ever. I met with an old friend, more like an contact than a friend, that I met seven years ago. He was almost unchanged and at the beginning I was blind about his intentions. I thought this is going to be a totaly free, pleasant discution between two adults, but all it was it was manipulation.
From the beginning I start to feel a little bit strange because he let me do the talk and listen to me to the point when I've realize that all he was after was to hear my version and a little about my current situation, catch

Full Moon!

Hi!

Last night was foll moon and I was very nervous. No panic attacks, but still there were some argues I didn't liked at all: like me having a fight with my mom for nothing, meaning no important thing, we were just arguing. I didn't want that to happen and look that IT really happened!

Now I'm a little sleepy and I wanna sleep a little bit.

Kundalini awakening

Last night I had a panic attack once again.
It was provoked by a book I'm reading right now, Guérison spirituelle et immortalité, which presents the Kundalini awakening, very well described in here as a state of human awakening to its deepest inner self. I think what made me enter this panic attack was connecting the books facts with some real fact of my life. In the process, the Kundalini energy is going through all the 7 chakras, from the back lowest point of spinal column, arousing to the last one situated in the head. This process can take a few months, but it can also take a few years, it depends on the person preparation for this state of being. One may be afraid and as we all know already, fear makes us weak and unprepared for the changes. We are afraid to do a thing or another, thinking that may cause a change or changes in our lives, but what we don't want to accept it that changes are inevitable and we have to leave them happen. Let them be. Emerge. 
The process is complicated, and, if you don't realise what is going on with you and your body, you may be considered as insane. With this diagnosis you can only take some pills and medication that will oppress the Kundalini Energy for rising through its last chakra and to illumination: when the Kundalini energy has emerged through the last chakra, the body and mind are relieved and you can then feel the beauty of life: no panic, no stress, no worries, no headache, nothing, but a totally peaced mind and body. The taste of happiness through the spiritual evolution. 

autumn is in town again

these days were more than autumn-like days. I felt I'm in some kind of time capsule when all the sudden I found myself in front of my closet wondering what to wear. can you imagine this? oh, this summer went through very fast, could not wear all my clothes and I don't even have that much! for those who don't know me at all, I'm not a shoppachoooliccc! I really have few clothes, and very few to wear as house clothes. but still, I think this summer was too short. TOOOOO short for me....come on --- what I'm trying to say is that time is too short in this life, even more than that: time is running too fast in that direction. One day is shorten than the other one that just passed away. Time is hitting to 0! Time will come to be infinite, not having the 3 coordinates: past, present, future. There will be something you never have imagined that it can become true. Something unthinkable!

I say hello to a sweet cup of coffee. The sky is cloudy and all I can think of is rain. In fact, some drops when to the cold asphalt. Soon I'll have to take under more work to be done, another project so I can rise my earnings. I have to, or else I'm at the same level and I want to grow a little bit.

kiss you deep - tonight is Leonard Cohen's night :)
oldies, but goldies!

happy new year!

Ok, OK, now that Christmas has passed and we only have the New Year's coming up I just wanted to say that I'm still looking to pass that exam on July 2010. So I have already placed an order for the biology book.....it will come soon, but I expect this to be after Jan 1st 2010 :)

soon...! till then, have a magnific new year's night with your family and friends!

It's all done now

You won't believe this but I've decided!
Long time I was afraid of doing this and doing that. No, it's not about my persoanl relationship with my b/f, it's about me and me alone. I've decided to follow my childhood dream, that of being a doctor. So I've entered the Carol Davila University of Bucharest page and - as I was afraid of the dentist - this is what I'm going to do even if I'll finish the faculty when I'll be ...35. This is it. it's never too late to follow a dream. Now I just want to see if I past the admission exam because it's out of the question to pay for this ...the annual tax it's 5000 RON! a lot of money I don't have right now and don't know if I'll have them until this summer when the exam will take place. Although, it's not a bad idea to save some until then and put them together after all. Anyways, no one will know about this until I have passed the admission exam. After passing, I'll just see what I'm going to do and who I'm going to tell. Not sure if I should tell my dentist or...not. Not sure if I'm going to tell my mum and dad, or my sister. Not sure what I'm going to do with my actual partner, but at least I want to see if I pass this in budget. If yes, and so it will be, I'm going to follow it!

A little few about the last 3 months

Well, I cannot remember what exactly happened with C. after I came to see again my b/f. I guess he was going back to his g/f too. And with all of this, he still wanted to see me at lest a few times a week. Strange as it seems, we keep seeing each other from time to time and the last 2 weeks were full of shorter or longer flash views ....(I'll be back)

(27.10.2009)

The fact is that he wants me even more than he wanted me before. He wants me so bad that almost it hurts. He wants me because he sees that there is no way his g/f will ever concur me in any way! But he will never have me because I'm only for one man and one man only: my b/f.  As I was listening him talking today, I've realized for sure that he doesn't feel love or passion for her at all: it is what I've always knew it was: only attachment, habitude. This it was all. As I was hearing him talking about her and their relationship, I was hit by some unusual words as "paparuda"(rainmaker), "fufa" (there's no word for it in English) and other terms that I haven't heard before referring to her. The thing is that he has problems with this girl. She's kinda crazy, if I may say so. Meaning that if she sees C. lost in thoughts she instantly believes that he is thinking of women and that is not true all the time: ok, may be true sometimes, but not all the time. At the moment it happened, he was caress her hair and they were in bed, d'oh! How she could think of such thing!? Well, d'oh! Jealousy can harm very much in this case and will harm a lot their relationship if she continues to act like that. And when you think she's the one saying he doesn't strike to see her too much when in fact she is the one making things impossible! Like for example, he was off all week-end (past week-end, 24-25 Oct.), but on Sunday he invited her to go at the mountain with some friends and she refused saying that she'll get bored there if all they are doing is drinking and / or climbing ...d'oh?!!? I said to myself! How she can possibly think that way? How? Another thing: he invited her to Barcelona on the Ramsteain concert and she refused saying AGAIN she'll get bored in there! WHAT? you really don't know what you want girl. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW WOMAN! Don't know! Where the huch is your head hitting? OH! As I understood, she only wants to go at the mountains/seaside or anywhere else JUST with him and no-one else! OK, I agree this at some point. I believe there should be some intimately closure, but not all the time, you cannot go only you and your partner because it will be too boring.....oh! Even thou I am planning to have a super holiday with my boy next week somewhere far away from the city. Don't know if this will be or not, but for sure will be an escape my boy desperately needs. Anyways, how can you say you'll get bored? OHH!!! Never mind, they will stick like this till they will get bored one of another. I'm pretty sure about this. I'll just treasure my boyfriend. That's what I'm going to do.

Till next time,  Κίρρα Peace