VLOG May 30, 2015 - Canvas |Meditation|

Hey there creative souls! This is what's new around here lately and I found that it's way better to record video blogs rather than to write them down. This is my first vlog (or at least the first first I get to publish), so be patient with it! ;) 

So what's new? Well, I know I haven't posted here in a month, but you know where I post at least twice a week, on creativemag.ro! 

This month flew by and I feel so happy with summer approaching so fast! I wouldn't mind this weather all year long, but I know that's not possible, at least not where I live. 

So this is it...jump in and enjoy!

A sip of espresso + why I believe in angels

Yesterday I was out downtown and we thought we could have a cappuccino. We got out and it was pretty amazing for December: 8-9C' and almost a clear, blue sky. Of course, if you ask me, that's not normal and something 's  going on, but that's another story.


As we were hitting the coffee shop , I thought to change cappuccino and try an espresso instead. I knew it was stronger, and although diluted with water, it was still strong, but very tasty. I drank about half of the cup, while my husband was having a cappuccino. We hit back our home and I didn't felt the espresso effects until very late in the night: I wasn't feeling agitated in any way, but hour after hour have passed until I noticed it's 4:52AM! While still having an hour of sleep between midnight and 1 o'clock, at 5:50 I've manage to fall asleep again, this time thinking in my mind that I'm going to sleep until 9 AM...at least.


But no. At 6:40AM I woke up again, this time feeling more agitated than before. I already knew the reason for not being able to sleep, but I was totally blown by the fact that my pulse was slightly accelerated after abruptly waking up, as if I was having a nightmare. I know what I was dreaming, and it wasn't something scary. I then remembered that I recently {like yesterday!} saw a tv show where they were talking about angels and how angels can help us. (If you read my Romanian blog, you probably know that recently I've painted an angel in my art journal).
In the tv show, one of the people invited in the show was talking about connecting with our angels. He said that each and everyone of us have an guardian angel and we should first try to connect to our angel instead of praying directly to God. Not that praying to God is something wrong, but angels can bring our souls closer to the divine understanding.


I put my hands closer and begin to talk to my angel. It didn't last long, because my throat was hurting, so I decided to "speak" with my thoughts. I continued talking to my angel and asking to show me what is to be done in this situation, how can I calm my pulse and get rid of the  bacterial infection I believe is causing my pain in the throat, and in less than 10 minutes my pulse went down to normal and I felt so relaxed. Of course, I set myself to relax my muscles and my whole body. Of course, you may say it's a coincidence , and that you don't believe in angels. That is totally up to you. But I know that with angels or without angels, we can control the body processes, like body temperature, pulse and getting rid of light headaches. I know that because I did it only by thinking I am doing this and my body reacted accordingly to what my mind dictated. If you don't believe that, then look for the book "Mind over body" and you will see what the recent discoveries are saying. Oh, and by the way, the book was written by a Ph. Doctor in medicine.

Sleepless night - letter of the week 11

That's why I don't go to parties and weddings. Next day I'm always dizzy {and not because of drinking too much!}. And that happens with no exception. They all take place during the night. Why people love that?! What's with this night thing, is that people see more of what they want to see and less of the reality? Yea, that could be it, I don't know. But I've never really enjoyed a night party, not even when I was in my 20 and something. Maybe because I saw people looking all that miserable just to impress one another. Having a few cups of drinks just to be themselves. To be who they really are, they need to drink first. And what a wedding would be if would take place during the day? I mean, no light, no night mystery, no shinning starts, no fool moon, no fireworks, nothing of these?! Pathetic, isn't it?
This is not the way I see things. I find it very romantic for a wedding to take place during a lovely sunny {not very hot} summer evening, close to nature and in the nature, being on the side of a lake or on the beach with the sand at your feet. But no. People want to loose the horses and actually go blind with the night. And for most of them, this is the only way that goes.


I don't know what kept me from sleeping last night, maybe was the fool moon or the strong cappuccino I had at 11 AM, but it was horrible for me to be awake almost all night.

I'm an angel

It's hard being an angel. People staring at you like you're not there or something. Hearing "I'm an angel" make them just smile. Like yea, you're not for real. Like a real angel should have white wings and a small little circle above the head. Like we should be all invisible and help you get through hard moments or push you to do this and that. It's nothing like that, you do all the job. You make the decision. And, most of the time, you call for us and expect to be there.

I've helped an old man with orientation yesterday. And when I say that I mean the directions for where he was heading, because it was an tourist wanting to see the old city. Old city was on my way, so I've decided to guide him until the destination.

People act strange when they see you want to help them. The question "May I help you, Sir?" makes one to wonder if I don't want to cheat on them, steal their money and run away. This man answered: "um, Yes and No!" ..."Hmm, Yes, I want to get to..." People are so unreliable nowadays that you cannot blame them for thinking such thing.

Yes, there are living angels among us and I'm one of them. People look odd at me when saying that, but I'll continue doing it because this is it what I am: an angel. I have to be there when people need me. I have to keep an open eye when walking down the street. And pay attention what people say around me, you never know when one may need my help.

Another autumn night

Silence. Just the rain drops dancing on the asphalt. Silence. Just the rain in the night and its beautiful refreshing smell. After a beautiful warm autumn day, which can be very well called a genuine summer day, the rain came in town. We were expecting this to come, but I thought it will be colder than it is for this hour. You can actually leave the window open and listen to the rain drops. You can enjoy it to its full, thinking of the next summer. Oh, the summer! I already miss the warm days, precisely because this summer was too - WAY TOO HOT - to enjoy it. We had over 40 for more than 1 month and that was terrible.Having 40  and something during the day(not in the sun!), but 24 or so during the night was a ....nightmare!

It started to rain even more. I can hear some cars passing by and I see the public light going on and off: they didn't fix it. It's been like that for more than 2 years now, as I recall. I've closed the window and come back to my laptop. It's a lovely autumn night and I should go to sleep with my Sex at Dawn which I hold next to my bed.

Y decir que la politica no es algo...

Mi madre es acostumbrada tener siempre razón, pero sin embargo no la tiene en todos los casos. Y por esto  se discuta mucho.
Hoy tuvimos un huésped inopinante y las cosas se precipitaron un poco cuando mi madre empezó con la política. Nuestro huésped empezo a criticar el actual presidente y su política, sinedo perfectamente convencido de que debería dejar la presedencia y dejar que otros se preocupe de nuestra pais. Nada más verdadero que eso, pero en ningun momento no debemos permitir al instalar la dictatura en nuestra país. Esto es lo que el no vea...
[.....]

¡hasta pronto!

And I kiss the rain again

After so many hot summer days, we have rain tonight. It's such a beautiful feeling the moment the rain drops kiss the asphalt. It smells sooo good and feels so natural. All the hot atmosphere is in my bedroom now, and in other bedrooms, because we have 25 degree outside, but inside are at least 29! Saint God we have rain! And that got colder outside otherwise I don't know...

I', going back to my letters, I want to have this finished asap!

Night out - thoughts in!

As I was hitting back home, my thoughts were jumping up and down my brain and I couldn't help wondering what's he doing tonight. A sip of coffee was still in my red cup. I have open the window to get some fresh air, but the noise outside is really getting my thoughts away. I hear dogs barking and people laughing. It's like Saturday night, except it's Thursday, but you can tell the temperature is high and people started to spend more time outdoors than they usually spend. And I know for sure that they were anxious for the summer to come!

Tonight I was down town with my girls, and we had some super cool time. One of girls is getting marry on June 30 this year and we are losing her from the 'not-married' club. She's so excited and so happy! I wonder what happiness is to her: a marriage? children? a brand-new house? I know for sure what is happiness to me: It means one word: FREEDOM. A word that most of women find it very hard to digest, somehow threatening, because they associate this word with being unfaithful. And I don't blame them - it's just that at some point they over react and that's not good for the relationship they have. And maybe because women have so many great expectations, they are so broken when the man that sworn to be close for the rest of their lives step outside the matrimonial bed. They don't know that we human are polygamists - we are meant to love more than one person at the time, and we are perfectly capable to love a person and to feel drawn by another!!! That is SEXUAL attraction and it's perfectly normal! But tell that to a very conservator person and she or he will laugh in your face or will get so angry that you'll wish not to have opened the subject...ever!

While I was getting closer to my house, my mind begin to think about other dear friend of mine who left me with no contact about his life whatsoever. He lives very close to my house and I get to see him from time to time, just by passing by his house. He never felt the urge to see what I am doing...or maybe he was searching for me other the internet. Maybe. But I don't think so. He totally disappeared from my life a few years ago, more like 5?! and never talked to me since then. I feel left behind, I feel very little, but I know it's not worth the pain. As I'm writing this, I figured out one thing: maybe that's why I feel so not capable of doing this or that, because he made me feel (indirectly) I cannot, after being the one that inspired me to graduate the language university!!! But the way he treated me, how he left me with no explanation, all this could have affect me in some negative way and I never thought about it! All this had a great and deep impact on my self-confidence. It's good that I meditate about this. When I make the connections between persons, things and situations, something deep inside me says "thanks for noticing it!" And YEAS, I really feel like when discovering the world! ;-) LOL!

I have so much to say, I want to write about so many things, BUT I feel tired and I have to return to my other words, the one paying my bills. :-) 

Two days before, two days after

In the endless ocean of life we tend to do things particulary as we were taught: do what you have to do, when you have to do it. And if you're lucky enough, you'll get what you deserve. But when it comes to what is wrong and what is right, in love you never know what your tactics may stand for. You cannot say that will happen this or that, you never know what will change over night. You have no control over it. And when it comes to past experiences, the fog is ever growing bigger.

Four days ago I was on my way to see a dear friend, who happens to be one of my ex college mates, and when I cross the street, there I saw him. No, not my mate, but my first love. No surprise that he was standing there, at about 400 meters away from me, because he is my neighbour for more than 15 years. But still, it was a surprise to see him again. It seemed changed to me, a little bit thinner and taller, with the same face and eyes like always. I looked at him for a few seconds and then I forced myself to look away: I was too drawn into his "view" and I could lose myself in that direction, not to mention that he could very well see me. But I didn't want him to see me at all. Really? I wonder. After a few steps forward, my mind started to "dance" into scenarios and pop up every time I have his image in front of my eyes. After awhile, I started to wonder myself why in the world I have not took the shorter way that brings me right in front of his house (where he was trying to make place for his "white-snowed-car") and stood there for about 1 minute or so, so he could actually see me, watch me, notice me. And do nothing (I guess). Just stand there and watch him as he was doing his job. Just like that. And face him. Of course. That is the trick: face him seems the hardest thing in the world for me, it always was, and I'm afraid it always will be. I should stay stud right in from of him, no matter what. What if he was not going to say 'hi' or anything at all? So what!? People can pass by and watch other people.

feeling down, lost, little 'thing', less important.

I'm in deep pain. Hurt. Today I was not only rejected as a web content analyst, but also as a person. What am I doing with my life?!

I'm 30 and some. I'm not married. Have no kids. No house to call my own. No career. Not part of a big successful corporation. As a matter of fact, I hate big corporations for what they are, for the system and everything that comes with it. So, where I am?

At the beginning of grad school I didn't know where I was hitting. At the end, I wasn't even wondering myself what am I going to do next with my life. I had no plans, just a diploma paper and some luck. If I had that last one. I don't know, maybe. I consider myself a lucky woman and I feel blessed sometimes. But still, I don't know how to manage my life, what to do, how to organize it. Who am I kidding to? I have no idea what I'm doing. And I'm frighten of this situation.

Let's start with what I do have. I have a shelter - maybe more than a shelter, a big house to live in, my parents' house, of course. I also have a 5 years old relationship with a fantastic amazing guy who loves me sooo much. I'm very grateful for that. I am lucky, really truly lucky. I have what to eat, and for that I have to be thankful, because not only that I have what to eat, but also I eat what I want and I can somehow manage to buy what I want to eat, which is very important because I love healthy food, with lots of fruits and veggies, which are not always cheep. So again, I am lucky. But I'm such a mess when it comes to my career. What I am doing to do about it?

I never been an work alcoholic or so, I left office at 6PM (or 5, if the case) and went straight home or downtown sometimes. I never been such a good learner either. So then I end up on doing just what needs to be done and nothing more. I've choose the faculty I've graduated because it was an easy one, or at least it seemed to be at that time. I was afraid to pick something different, such as medicine or something else because I was afraid to take responsibility for my actions. What is worse is that I'm still in the same situation: I want more money doing nothing and I don't want to be responsible. I am afraid I can not handle it. I don't know why, maybe because I was used like this, maybe because I had some bad "settings" from back when I was a child. Maybe my parents never encouraged me to do something different, to get out of the crowd, to say it out loud. But I got over this bashfulness when I was in my first university year and I've realized that people see me as I let them see me. So I changed and started to think more widely. The results came up almost instantly!

I don't want to work 8-10 hours a day for a pittance and not live my life as I want, close to my dear beloved ones. I want to be able to work from the comfort of my own home and that seems so hard to achieve right now. I feel like everything is going up-side-down when it comes to career and jobs. I have a very low paid job and I want another one to rise my earnings. But what can I do about it? I feel like I'm a poor translator, a poor writer, a poor everything-related-to-job. I feel I'm low much low below the standards and I'm frustrated because of that. I have no support from somebody who is also working on the field, I don't know anyone just so close to call my firnd and to ask question s (stupid beginners' questions!) without having a laugh on me! I'm jut wondering, what can I do about it?!

Full Moon!

Hi!

Last night was foll moon and I was very nervous. No panic attacks, but still there were some argues I didn't liked at all: like me having a fight with my mom for nothing, meaning no important thing, we were just arguing. I didn't want that to happen and look that IT really happened!

Now I'm a little sleepy and I wanna sleep a little bit.

happy new year!

Ok, OK, now that Christmas has passed and we only have the New Year's coming up I just wanted to say that I'm still looking to pass that exam on July 2010. So I have already placed an order for the biology book.....it will come soon, but I expect this to be after Jan 1st 2010 :)

soon...! till then, have a magnific new year's night with your family and friends!

A little few about the last 3 months

Well, I cannot remember what exactly happened with C. after I came to see again my b/f. I guess he was going back to his g/f too. And with all of this, he still wanted to see me at lest a few times a week. Strange as it seems, we keep seeing each other from time to time and the last 2 weeks were full of shorter or longer flash views ....(I'll be back)

(27.10.2009)

The fact is that he wants me even more than he wanted me before. He wants me so bad that almost it hurts. He wants me because he sees that there is no way his g/f will ever concur me in any way! But he will never have me because I'm only for one man and one man only: my b/f.  As I was listening him talking today, I've realized for sure that he doesn't feel love or passion for her at all: it is what I've always knew it was: only attachment, habitude. This it was all. As I was hearing him talking about her and their relationship, I was hit by some unusual words as "paparuda"(rainmaker), "fufa" (there's no word for it in English) and other terms that I haven't heard before referring to her. The thing is that he has problems with this girl. She's kinda crazy, if I may say so. Meaning that if she sees C. lost in thoughts she instantly believes that he is thinking of women and that is not true all the time: ok, may be true sometimes, but not all the time. At the moment it happened, he was caress her hair and they were in bed, d'oh! How she could think of such thing!? Well, d'oh! Jealousy can harm very much in this case and will harm a lot their relationship if she continues to act like that. And when you think she's the one saying he doesn't strike to see her too much when in fact she is the one making things impossible! Like for example, he was off all week-end (past week-end, 24-25 Oct.), but on Sunday he invited her to go at the mountain with some friends and she refused saying that she'll get bored there if all they are doing is drinking and / or climbing ...d'oh?!!? I said to myself! How she can possibly think that way? How? Another thing: he invited her to Barcelona on the Ramsteain concert and she refused saying AGAIN she'll get bored in there! WHAT? you really don't know what you want girl. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW WOMAN! Don't know! Where the huch is your head hitting? OH! As I understood, she only wants to go at the mountains/seaside or anywhere else JUST with him and no-one else! OK, I agree this at some point. I believe there should be some intimately closure, but not all the time, you cannot go only you and your partner because it will be too boring.....oh! Even thou I am planning to have a super holiday with my boy next week somewhere far away from the city. Don't know if this will be or not, but for sure will be an escape my boy desperately needs. Anyways, how can you say you'll get bored? OHH!!! Never mind, they will stick like this till they will get bored one of another. I'm pretty sure about this. I'll just treasure my boyfriend. That's what I'm going to do.

Till next time,  Κίρρα Peace

how my lover drives me crazy

I mean really crazy, mad!!!
why I'm saying this?
well...because he lied to me about one stupid thing and still I cannot recall because I am still under shock! I never would have thought he will do such I thing!
well, let's see what happened:
An old university colleague was in town the other day and she called so we could all meet downtown. I say 'we' cos there were nine of us going out. Firstly, everything was set to 7pm, but when we already decided not to go, my lover received a phone call from another ex-colleague saying he and his g/f are changing plans and show up at the meeting, but that everything was now set for 9pm and besides that he inform us that we have a club reservation made by another ex-colleague which had a major contribution to this situation; not only that he convinced my b/f to go, but he also told him about the fact that the club reservation will cost us all 160 ron per total, and we all have to pay a little part of it. - THE fact that really drove me crazy was that my b/f didn't mention a anything about this, about the fact that 160 ron will be paid for a bottle of whisky (which, by the way, it's not my favorite drink!!!!) that will be served as soon as we sit to our table.
Now I'm furious about this situation and with all this I really want to let it go, forget it, forgive him and forget about all this situation. It's not only about the money - which, by the way, could have been spent otherwise - but about the fact that he didn't come clean and tell the truth. Maybe next time I should stay home and read a book and don't bother with this clubbing night outs!