Thursday, June 30, 2011

Greece it's too far away

Yeah. I'm saying that because these days Greece is facing a new influx of manifestation that made Greece not such a good place to be. I totally agree with the fact thay need  more money - so we do - but doing this to your ouw contry won't lead to anything good. I'm afraid for that matter. I really wanted to join this summer into Greece beauty spot, but they give me now no possibility but to focus on some other destination.

I pick up Spain. I love Spain, I love Spanish, I love that latin language that makes my blood run very fast. I love the contry. I love it so much that I could even move there and start a new life. But there are things and people that keep me in here, in my natal contry that I only have the dream, but not the reality. My parents are not younger any more. Even if they are not old, they need my presence here. My sister ain't of too much help in this dirrection. She aways finds some way not to be present when you need her, not to come to the meetings you set up, not to do things as they should be done, as she pretends to do it, but never does.

I hate this situation and maybe the situation hates me. Who knows?! I only know I want more from life, more to live for and I'm going to do something about it. Or.....

....or maybe not. I already have what others can only dream of: a family, a happy one, a boyfriend who is not in a rush to get marry (Saint God!), a very well paid job (not so well, but it's ok) and that kind of job you really enjoy and feel pleasure doing. What else can I ask for?! Well, no, don't say "nothing". There are plenty of things that need to be done, ned to concur. But I love my life as it is right now, even if I don't love every piece of it. After all, this is life. What is life without a piece of bitter nectar? :-)

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


I'm dizzy. And lazzy. I would rather read my "With every day" romance book than to pack my things. Even if I'm packing for the sea side vacation which I expect for so long. And maybe that's because I've heard some news about the breaking weather or the poor water condition. The fact is that I'm not in the mood because this is not what I so much wanted for our holiday. There's nothing sure that we will somwhow manage to go to Greece at the end of the summer, somewhere in August or Septeber when we weather is very warm and it's a pleasure to be there.
Well, instead of Greece I got Black Sea again and that's not the best option so far. We have to stick with it and enjoy our trip to paradise. I'm greatful I can see any sea this year, when others cannot even leave their houses for one weekend! I'm more concern about the sea weed being present into the water, making it very unpleasant.

I'll go back to packing...and then to that fancy reading!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

how it feels to be in a flap

Was still rainging when we got home. My mother insisted that we should go in spite of the nervous rainy drops that were rushing washing the street. She was afraid that the water may find its way to our cellar and that we would have to work to dry it up. ..again. Because that was not the first time when she was afraid. Not the first time to have water in there. She still thinks that water will come in and she'll have to work it out.
Luckly, th sun came up after a while when the rain seemed not to stop for at least a few hours. But no! we have sun again and even so, I feel sleepy. I woke up at 7Am after going to bed at 1AM...uhhh, I thought I'm going to sleep until 8:30 or so to get to my 10AM appointment I had to the nutritionist this morning, but got up way too early.

Earlier I had a fight with my mum. Everything begun from the fact that I'm not capble to fix my room "as it should be", or at least as she thinks it should be fixed. I'm young. And still living with my parents. Not that young for that. And sometimes I feel I should do something about it, like take a poor job, move somewhere with my b/f and see what comes from this. I even think to start a vc job. Maybe something good (money) will come from this. But I have to do this on a regular basis and I feel I cannot do it like this. It seems too boring for me, to vanny, to clever to twist men's mind in order to get a pay per mint. Find it somehow outgrageous even they know what they are paying for. Anyway, this is the problem, I have to move on. Have to clean all the stuff in my life, have to move it on, throw all the unnecessary things to garbage, try not to bring new un-necessary ones, have to figure it out whether I want a baby now or I want to start working somewhere outside the contry. I don't know. That come thru my mind so many times and my b/f is so encouraging me to do it, that I almost feel I can actually do it. And why wouldn't I? I'm a can do person. I ought to be. ;-) After all, if you think you can do it, you can really do it. And my b/f wants to join me in this journey.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

I just got the answer

Yeah. just hitted me this morning when I was making my coffee : from all those things messed up in my life, one is for sure the fact that I'm still living with my parents. I love my parents and I'm happy I can still be at the same table with them every day. I come to the age that I almost feel they are growing so old that I can barely want to leave them. And that's not good for me. Nor for them. Then why am I still here? Because I have no choices. No money to move on my own. No possibilities to have my own house, not even to pay a rent. That because I don't want to be a slave again. NOT anymore. I feel I don't want to play this (corporation) game ever again. Going to work 8-10 hours a day won't worth all the money in the world~! I don't want to end up as a piece of poorless girl with no family of my own, being unable to smile to the sun, I want to actually relax after work, I want to be happy! And this is happiness for me: to do whatever you like (and enjoy and feel love for) and earn as few as you need, as much as you can take your head on the shoulders without being drawn in the process.

But I cannot do all this things without leaving the nest. I have to do something to {un-block} this situation. I'll never be a 100% a grown up responsable person until I do something about it.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

feeling down, lost, little 'thing', less important.

I'm in deep pain. Hurt. Today I was not only rejected as a web content analyst, but also as a person. What am I doing with my life?!

I'm 30 and some. I'm not married. Have no kids. No house to call my own. No career. Not part of a big successful corporation. As a matter of fact, I hate big corporations for what they are, for the system and everything that comes with it. So, where I am?

At the beginning of grad school I didn't know where I was hitting. At the end, I wasn't even wondering myself what am I going to do next with my life. I had no plans, just a diploma paper and some luck. If I had that last one. I don't know, maybe. I consider myself a lucky woman and I feel blessed sometimes. But still, I don't know how to manage my life, what to do, how to organize it. Who am I kidding to? I have no idea what I'm doing. And I'm frighten of this situation.

Let's start with what I do have. I have a shelter - maybe more than a shelter, a big house to live in, my parents' house, of course. I also have a 5 years old relationship with a fantastic amazing guy who loves me sooo much. I'm very grateful for that. I am lucky, really truly lucky. I have what to eat, and for that I have to be thankful, because not only that I have what to eat, but also I eat what I want and I can somehow manage to buy what I want to eat, which is very important because I love healthy food, with lots of fruits and veggies, which are not always cheep. So again, I am lucky. But I'm such a mess when it comes to my career. What I am doing to do about it?

I never been an work alcoholic or so, I left office at 6PM (or 5, if the case) and went straight home or downtown sometimes. I never been such a good learner either. So then I end up on doing just what needs to be done and nothing more. I've choose the faculty I've graduated because it was an easy one, or at least it seemed to be at that time. I was afraid to pick something different, such as medicine or something else because I was afraid to take responsibility for my actions. What is worse is that I'm still in the same situation: I want more money doing nothing and I don't want to be responsible. I am afraid I can not handle it. I don't know why, maybe because I was used like this, maybe because I had some bad "settings" from back when I was a child. Maybe my parents never encouraged me to do something different, to get out of the crowd, to say it out loud. But I got over this bashfulness when I was in my first university year and I've realized that people see me as I let them see me. So I changed and started to think more widely. The results came up almost instantly!

I don't want to work 8-10 hours a day for a pittance and not live my life as I want, close to my dear beloved ones. I want to be able to work from the comfort of my own home and that seems so hard to achieve right now. I feel like everything is going up-side-down when it comes to career and jobs. I have a very low paid job and I want another one to rise my earnings. But what can I do about it? I feel like I'm a poor translator, a poor writer, a poor everything-related-to-job. I feel I'm low much low below the standards and I'm frustrated because of that. I have no support from somebody who is also working on the field, I don't know anyone just so close to call my firnd and to ask question s (stupid beginners' questions!) without having a laugh on me! I'm jut wondering, what can I do about it?!

Sundays are always lazy ;-)

This morning I woke up with the mind set for coffee. That kind of coffee that you only get to drink at home, made with your own hands and served with love in the intimacy of your living room. Or maybe in the back yard. :-)

But when I actually stand up I could feel that pain in the lower stomach saying that's not a good day for coffee, instead I should try some green smoothie or a tea. So I've made this incredible green smoothie using 3 big indregients: 2 green apples, 1 green pear (green, but sweeeet!) and a few (5-6) leaves of green cabbage. What it came out was something sooo sweet and tasty that I drunk all that juicy almost instantly!

Now I have to do something with this ovarian pain, but I think I'll just bath myself into warm horse tail infusion that is recommended for this kind of pain.

But the ovarian pain is not the problem. Today I "felt down the bridge" when I saw that my application to a job that I actually wanted to such was rejected. It kind hurt my feelings as I was already thinking how would be to work for this company (a big one). I guess it was my fault at some point, when I had my first interview I prefered to type instead of talking which was not a good thing for me, and well...then - maybe the tests were not good, I don't know. And another thing - little detail I've noticed after I sent one last message to the employer was that I typed by mistake "testes" instead of "tests" which may be counting for the job. :| Anyway, this is it, I'll have to move on and start looking for other jobs on the market. The thing is that they contacted me and I thought I really have the chance to have this job.

Friday, May 20, 2011

what's with this back pain?

After all, today may be a rainy day after the day it started with a lot of sun smiling at my happy face. :-) I woke up early, at 7:30Am and got my b/f into shape for a new day of work! Then we had some breakfast, put some clothes on and hit the door. We actually step outside with a coffee {vanilla and caramelo} frappe in mind, and end up on a fancy terrace down town. It was nice, but not very quiet. The cars were running by making a lot of noise, but we just had our coffee and smile to the world.

Well, the things are not that pinky as I painted them to be, but at least we try out best. My b/f is frustrated because of work, I'm in the middle of a job requiting and I have to pass some tests before they accept me for this job, we are planning to go on vacantion this summer - twice actually - and we are very tight with the money: he wants to leave this job and stay focused only on web-design presentations, to take some small jobs and make a portofolio so he can later rely on the earnings from this job. But it's catchy, because as soon as he will leave his actual job, he will be out of money for a while - or at least with a very few he saved for this - and he is worried about this: what if he's not going to make it, what is he is not capable to undergo this and so on. He is even thinking that I may be leaving him because he has no money! That's a totally bullsh#t and I had to assure him that everything is  going to be fine, he doesn't need to be worry about this. I haven't told him this, but he really made me feel bad and unconfortable saying and believing that!

What I'm worried about now is my back pain. I got this pain from about 5 days now and I suppose is because of my computer working and inactivity. I'm not a sporty person and I don't know if I'll ever be, but at least I should try to move my ass more ofter in the park, jogging and stuff. But I just can't do this all by myself. I need somebody to be with me ...anyway, this is not a good moment to start running here and there, not until I get to see my doctor and find out what the huch is going on and most of all ---- what is to be done!  Oh! and another thing. Yesterday I had my blood tests done and I can wait for the results. Unlikely, I'm not scared, but anxious to find out the result and take action - if needed. I'm saying that because of my 80-90% raw food diet that I'm taking from about 4 months now (4 months on 11.05.2011). I just realised now that are 4 months, and not 3! God! I hope I can still eat some fish sometimes. Anyway, because I was affraid or not, I just had some cheese from time to time, very little few pieces of cheese. It was OK I huess since I was not in stomach pain and the next day (after eating that) I eat only raw food. But the thing is that I want to eat some eggs and cheese from time to time, let's say once at 2-3 weeks or so.
That's OK from now. I got a terrible back pain (but I'm sure there are pains worse than what I feel right now~) and I'll just run from the computer! lol~

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

A totally odd meeting

Today I had the most strainge meeting ever. I met with an old friend, more like an contact than a friend, that I met seven years ago. He was almost unchanged and at the beginning I was blind about his intentions. I thought this is going to be a totaly free, pleasant discution between two adults, but all it was it was manipulation.
From the beginning I start to feel a little bit strange because he let me do the talk and listen to me to the point when I've realize that all he was after was to hear my version and a little about my current situation, catch

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Full Moon!


Last night was foll moon and I was very nervous. No panic attacks, but still there were some argues I didn't liked at all: like me having a fight with my mom for nothing, meaning no important thing, we were just arguing. I didn't want that to happen and look that IT really happened!

Now I'm a little sleepy and I wanna sleep a little bit.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Long enought!

I haven't write a line in here and I can barely find my words. I was away from panic attacks and I'm so happy about this. We are going through spring and my body is in a very good shape. I feel joy and I wanna share it with you too.

Lately {January 2011} I've discovered the power of raw food. I know the most of you aren't aware of this subject and maybe you never heard about it, but I can tell you it feels soooo good for the body! When you begin to eat raw food {fruits, vegetables, seeds and nuts} you body starts to feel this change and what you get back from this is a GREAT health, great body shape, great skin condition, great smile&spirit, long shiny hair, hard strong nails and SO ON. I'm so happy about this you can't even imagine!

I won't bother you with details, the internet is full with all kind of information and advices you can check, but I'm going to tell you one thing: YOU GOTTA be prepared for this and MAKE SURE you're on your right way, because if you try this raw diet for a {very} long and then you come back to cooked food, you may even die! For example, one patient died after she tried boiled potatoes, that's because potatoes contain one toxic farina-starch that will harm so much the intestinal transit that can even block it! So be careful!

See you soon!